have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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