She went from zero to smokin in five shots
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize