Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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