who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
