okay pat passed out under dana's car
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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