it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
