cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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