watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
