she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
