you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize