There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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