I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
