Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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