Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
