dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
