She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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