The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
