I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
