You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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