Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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