I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
