what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
