Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
