so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
