for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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