take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
