she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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