His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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