You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
