Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Floor bacon is actually really good
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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