My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
