"it" just moved
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
