When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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