I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
