My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
