I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
