Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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