where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Houston, we have a squirter
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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