What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
