I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
