I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
