just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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