I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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