He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
