im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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