And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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