You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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