Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize