my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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