Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
