a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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