Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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