I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
