just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
