Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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