My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
