This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
