There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
