He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
