dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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