We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
