3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he shaved USA in his pubs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
