WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
