i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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