He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize