someone get that fucking seahorse.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
