I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
