That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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