My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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