If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
